So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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