And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize