someone get that fucking seahorse.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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