Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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