Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
