8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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