I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
