her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize