Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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