i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
