i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
