my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
they need to just BURY HIM!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
