I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
