She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
