Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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