I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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