Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
