My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize