is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I am puke
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
