Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
