new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
A bitchslap is in order.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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