whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
