soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
