Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
