I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
