I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
