No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
