What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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