Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I lost the right to judge tonight
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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