I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
