I could have mohawked her pubes.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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