This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
