I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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