I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
