So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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