Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
