the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
