I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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