he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
