Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You need Xanax blowdarts
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize