a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
