i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
