That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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