So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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