I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
