It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
