my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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