God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
