Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
