Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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