Do you still have your period?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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