I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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