i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
