I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
