my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My penis needs a shock collar
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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