its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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