just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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