bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
