This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
