Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
