I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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