The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
