so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
