Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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