is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
