please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's shark week go big or go home
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
