So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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